Sometimes I think I’m having a mid-life crisis, but I’m not old enough to have a mid-life crisis. Well, maybe I am, but I’m under 40 and so I don’t want to think of myself as being old enough. I’m calling this my mid-mom life crisis instead, it sounds younger. I love my boys, but when I think of the young years with them, I think of it as being a struggle I managed to get through. They were long years it seemed. Days were like sticky maple syrup that you moved through slowly and with ever increasing frustration. There were beautiful moments, but even the good days were affected by the never ending sleep deprivation. My boys did not sleep much. Actually, even still my 4 year old wakes up 1-2 times per night. Most nights he just comes and climbs in with me so it’s less disruptive, but still.
Generally now though I think I’m in an “easier” phase of being a mom. Kids who go to school. A four year old who is not quite in school but who is so independent. There are no diapers to change, no bottles, they walk everywhere, they can do it all themselves damn it. Well, at least they think so and I sure let them try. So while there is plentyof mom stuff to do, like chauffeuring everywhere, I feel like I can get back a little bit to being me sometimes. I can take time out to go and run. I can focus more on my business. I can let them make breakfast while I just drink coffee.
You’d think this extra freedom would be a good thing right? But instead it makes me more aware that maybe I’m not where I wanted to be at this point in my life. Didn’t I want to have my degree by now? Don’t I want to make more money or be fulfilled or even just thinner? I want to be different, I want to change and I can’t decide if I waited too long and I’m running out of time. I wonder if this is a mom phase, just like the tired baby phase or the tired toddler phase or the learning to separate when school starts phase. The phase of realizing you want to be more than just mom. Kind of like an empty nest phase before the nest is empty, but when it is starting to have empty moments.
I suppose when the adolescent years hit I’ll think of this time fondly? I hope so. In the meantime, maybe I need to go for a run.Photos ©: Empty Nest by Robert S. Donovan, Flickr Creative Commons Change (featured image) by busy.pochi, Flickr Creative Commons