Milestone Birthdays and the Speed of Life
This weekend I’m having a milestone birthday. A birthday big enough (in my mind anyway) to celebrate and to cherish, but also to bring me to my knees in mourning at the speed at which life is flying by. I read this beautiful essay last week while on vacation about how fast life goes and I loved it, because it wasn’t really about how fast the children’s lives fly by (though obviously that is happening too) but how quickly our lives are speeding by while we are busy being moms (or dads or just people really). I get so caught up in the day-to-day and the hanging on to precious moments that I don’t notice how one decade has slid into the next until I catch a glimpse in a mirror of a middle-age woman with too much grey at her roots and then have to take a deep breath when I realize that woman is ME.
I’m going to be 40 in mere days. FORTY. I am so happy and lucky in the roads I have travelled in life. I am happily married (we went on our first date the day before my 20th birthday – so it’s a double celebration this weekend). I have three beautiful and healthy boys. Two of them are already taller than me and one will be caught up before I know it. I get to do work I enjoy and I get to do it from my home and on my own schedule, well mostly anyway. I have an amazing best friend and family members who I love so much.
But still as I enter this next decade of my life I realize time feels like it is running out. I probably have many years ahead of me, but everything feels more set. The big decisions have been made and lived with, and while there is definitely some peace and ease in being here in life, there is some bittersweet in the knowledge that it is too late for some opportunities and choices. And I still don’t even really feel like a grown half the time. Of course the other half the time I feel flat out ancient, so I guess it all balances out in the end. I am not young, but I am not old either. I can still try new things and find new dreams and goals and roads. And more than ever I realize that I don’t have forever to do the things I want to do, so I better quit laying around on the couch and actually get out there and DO things. Anything and everything. I need to take some risks and overcome fears and revel in the beauty that is all around. I need to live in my moments, not just the moments that belong to my children.
But first, I need to blow out a lot of candles on a special birthday cake 🙂